It all begins tonight. The waves are crashing on the Oceanside. Volcanoes are erupting. The snow is falling on the ground, like soft cotton. The sun is shinning and the birds are singing. But. The only moment that matters is the moment that they are having. That’s it. Nothing else. They are both trying to find happiness from each other. Trying to Fill the holes that their parents burned on their chests. Soft small circles. Pulling. Biting. Kissing. Touching. Moaning. Doing everything they shouldn’t do. Knowing that they should end it soon. But like they say ‘The heart wants what it wants’, and they were stubborn, they dived head in, without thinking. Always using logic in every situation but this time they didn’t.

So let them be stubborn, the whole world will watch them break. Break like soft porcelain. White, precious porcelain.

– TM xxx






He didn’t know what he wanted.

no, he didn’t.

He said he loved her,

but he didn’t.

He didn’t even know her.

She hadn’t shown herself to Him. Not yet.

Every minute, every second, he pulled her strings.

Dragging her along like some toy.

She was indecisive. She let herself get dragged.

She blamed many things and many people, for her situation.

But she was the one at fault. The only one.

– TM xx

*Diary Entry* 26/august/2016

For the past few days I have been dealing with stress and anxiety a lot! It has come to the point where don’t even recognise the problem, and when someone points it out to me, I panic.

I can’t sleep at night, every time I close my eyes, my Nan’s image flashes before my eyes. I have horrible nightmares of her death. My anxiety is taking over me. I can’t talk to new people because I feel they are judging me by the way I look or because my accent is different. It has come to the point where I don’t want to get out of the house, afraid; people will judge me for the way I dress. I don’t comment on posts anymore because I am afraid my English will be judged.

My days are not going well. Everything gets me sad or depressed all I dream of is going to join my Nan. I know that is not possible, and everybody has to deal with pain, but how much? Is there a full stop? Does the suffering ever end?

The only temporary way of ending my suffering is by reading. Reading the characters problems eases my soul so much.

I am only 15 and I have experienced so much suffering. Well at least I am prepared for the future.

One of my greatest suffering is my nonexistent relationships.  There was him, but there is another guy. I had real feelings for him, or at least I thought I did. Yeah I know he has a girlfriend, he loves her. Heck! She is probably not as annoying as me and she is freaking pretty. He literally called me fake.

Every single time the old one, hurt me I decided not to fall in the cycle again, but I did this to me. I promised myself not to fall in the cycle but I did.

I had convinced myself that I am not capable of a relationship. I need something strong to build up my walls, they are only half built.

-excerpt from something basic and something non basic

( This is not about anybody in particular!!)



Her name is innocence and she doesn’t know what to do. She is lost, emotionally unstable. Her insides are midnight and her outsides are dawn.

She is glowing, darkness doesn’t understand why. One night darkness touches her and still, she remains immune, her insides don’t get any darker but her outsides became glower. She was so lost, but darkness always followed her for some reason.

Her emotions were like a burning hot pot of stew. The stove was on a medium range. The stew, bubbling and burning, but not spilling out.

Everything was a mess. Darkness touched her every night, but she didn’t say anything, she let it touch her. She didn’t know what to say.

Every day she stared at the mindless souls walking by, judging each and everyone. She wondered why she was so lonely.

She was sitting with a group of mindless souls, but she still felt lonely, her eyes soulless, pitch black emotions haunting her.

She let the darkness consume her slowly. It was a parasite feeding on her. She didn’t fight, she just let it consume her, innocently.

-TM xx


Art work by: Konstantin Makovsky – Tamara and Demon


What is pain?

what is pain original

A rhetorical question! Pain is something that cannot be described in common, simple words, pain is much more. No matter how many pages, words a person writes, pain won’t and can’t be described. It is shocking really how a four letter word can hold such a deep meaning. It is the strongest emotion one can feel.

Pain can be anything, from a toddler getting a “boo boo” to a teenager getting betrayed by his/her “friends” to an adult getting hurt by their significant other or when a beautiful girl who is beautiful but broken from the inside comes home crying wishing that they would just stop bullying her, the scars on her wrists make the pain so visible, or when the child sits in the bathroom with the door locked, covering her ears as she tries to block out the constant shouting that is going on in the other room, her tears show the pain, her dark circles show the pain, she is beautiful but she has learned to keep quiet and not tell anybody anything, she has learned how to keep her emotions caged because her mother told her not to share her family issues with anybody, she is afraid but she covers it with a smile, and this shows the beauty behind the pain .it shows how pain can be disturbing but all one needs to do is start valuing themselves and make them their first priority.

Pain can be anything really. Unlike every other emotion pain has no positive notion that can make you look at the pain from a different perspective, there is only pain.

The phrase “after every storm there is a rainbow” is something that can be related to pain.  For example when your mother comforts you after getting hurt or when she pulls you to her chest and comforts you or when the most important person in this world whispers just the right things in your ear after a panic attack; when the person sits in their room after a bad day and just listens to the music of their favourite band or artist, that one pure moment that makes them feel like there is good in the world and there is sunshine somewhere, It makes you feel hundred different emotions.

Sometimes I ask myself what kind of the pain is the worst, the physical or the mental, the fear that you won’t be accepted in the society or the pain that was caused because you injured yourself through an accident. At least you can cry when you are hurt physically, but when you are different from the rest when you don’t follow certain ‘rules’ and you have nobody to talk to it hurts the most. Sometimes it affects you so deeply, it is like the soft aching but burning pain, it’s when somebody stabs you repeatedly and asks you if you are fine, but you want to scream, scream on the top of your lungs ‘YOU ARE NOT FINE’. It’s hard; I know it is very hard to live in a place where people don’t take you seriously.

I am an Indian, who grew up in Thailand, currently I am living in India; as a teen I have observed the sociocultural differences. My thinking and the people living here, we have a huge contrast, some stuff that I consider normal is abnormal for them, and one main thing that really disturbs me here is the acceptance of a different sexual orientation. I am a bisexual, but considering I am an Indian I am afraid to ‘come out’ or tell everybody my sexual orientation, I am afraid that I won’t be taken seriously, or they will just brush it off as a ‘phase’. For me the only thing that matters is my parents support and I am confident that they will accept me for who I am.

If straight is normal why isn’t gay/bisexual normal? Love is still love; love doesn’t say that it has to happen between two genders it has to happen between spouses. Denying marriage to two individuals who love each other is to deny them a fundamental freedom.

You might be wondering by now how is my question related to the LGBT community? Well I have an answer for that, in 2007 more than 600,000 Asians committed suicide due to not being accepted in the society. Youth suicide keeps on increasing year by year, nobody cares about what they are going through, all the families care about is their image and reputation in the society, this causes mental pain. The teenage person goes through many things at that period of time. The fear of not being accepted and when their own parents tell them not to repeat ‘that word’ again, it feels like the whole world is against them. If same sex marriage is not legalized in their country, they assume that the easy way out is to quit, but no that is an easy way out but it is not the right way. Fight for your rights, people are slowly accepting it now days, if you see America has same sex marriage legalized in 55 states, Ireland said yes. But Asians don’t move past their culture, all that matters to them is what others think about them. It affects the child, the constant sting, reminding them that they will never have a happy or a content life. “The society” talks about making people happy and content, but by not accepting what the new generation has to bring they are not making them happy. They are inflicting them pain, and this entire ‘non acceptance’, can make any 13 or 16 year old go through anxiety and depression. Trust me that is not beautiful, nobody wants their kids to go through anxiety. It completely destroys them; it affects them mentally and seriously makes them question their existence.

The biggest issue that homophobic people have with same sex marriage is reproduction. They don’t realise that they are living in the 21st century, there are so many options like adoption, artificial insemination etc., science has exceeded from the past 10 years. There are thousands of kids waiting to be adopted!

There is only one way a person can overcome the pain that they feel on a daily basis, that is if they don’t let the darkness swallow them, if they move towards the light and set a goal, it is not easy to block the darkness, it hovers and clings on like a best friend, but ending your life is the easy way out and the only thing it proves is that the person is weak, but if you fight hard, you will be known as a fighter and fighters survive always.

-TM xx



“You are inseparable”, a person said another said “you’ll never make it”. But they knew,   they knew their love for each other, but they knew they wouldn’t last.

They were perfect for each other. Almost too perfect, fate bought them together and then pulled them apart. Playing a sick game with the young naive souls, she was so broken!

They kept fighting. She knew what he meant to her, he knew what he meant to her. He was always too afraid.

Too afraid to admit it, scared it would become real if he did. She let his passion touch her heart. She let him in, only to push him back out again.

She was confused herself, she didn’t know what to do with the foolish child of love nagging her heart. She was lost.

                                                             – TM xx